
trig·ger
/ˈtrigər/
noun
- 1.a small device that releases a spring or catch and so sets off a mechanism.
verb
1.
cause (an event or situation) to happen or exist.
'Most triggers in my life happen without choice. This time I am pulling the trigger.'
:: In December 2012 I was diagnosed Bipolar.
I originally had the wrong diagnosis (Borderline Personality Disorder) so when the words, "I'm pretty sure what is going on with you and it could change your life." , came out of my psychiatrists mouth I was excited. The dialectical behavior therapy was helpful but I knew from the beginning that the medication that I was being given was all wrong.
What is it?
"Amber.. I believe that you have Bipolar Disorder."
How sure are you?
"95% Sure."
At first emotional analysis:
shocked. intrigued. slightly frightened.
I heard myself say that I didn't want to be bipolar. That I didn't want that to be what was wrong with me. That I didn't want anything to be wrong with me...even though I knew something was definitely wrong with me. I sat there silent.
'I didn't ask for this.'
I wanted to be happy. Not crazy happy.
Just genuinely happy.
I very strongly wanted to be normal. Whatever that was...
It was hard for me to accept the mental illness at first. I experienced embarassment, confusion and denial. I even stopped taking my medication. But even with the illness, I have always known that I crave to live life to it's fullest, just like any other...
One thing that has always stayed the same (can you believe that?) since the beginning, is my determination and steel-persistence of doing whatever I have too...even in the darkest of times, in order to live the most fulfilling life that I possibly possibly can.
And this blog is about just that: Reaching out and pulling a more positive trigger.
Getting help. Sharing stories. Healing. Getting back on medication. Staying on medication. Analyzing my life and making changes for the better. Conquering past barricades and moving forward in my personal relationships. Learning more about myself and informing myself and others. Inspiring others to get help. Stop living in the past, allow myself to stay present and look forward to a more positive future.