One Thread, Two Thread

Happy Early Valentines Day People!

One Thread, Two Thread

Pull ever so gently

and watch me unwind.

The string is my zipper,

the spool is my spine.

The needle runs deep,

it weaves us together;

One thread becomes two,

woven forever.

A knot holds us close

and gives us the might,

for us to survive

through a cold winter night.

What once was so simple

is now more complex;

Full of loyalty, passion,

love and respects.

No it doesn't take two 

to get the job done..

But haven't you heard

two is better than one?

To choose one another,

our soul-mate in life,

our partner in crime

against struggles and strife;

Is to initiate a promise

between you and me,

for us to be together 

for as long, 

as long can be.

-Amber Rose

Follow me. Or Else I Might Get Lost...

Okay peeps. 

I see you looking at my site. All around the world.
US, UK, France, Germany, Brazil.

 I see you reading my rants and poems...

Now if you have the means to:

Follow me. 

Please.

Or else I might get lost...

I can't wait to get some followers...

we can make our own personal poem cult. ;)

Mental Health Providers:: Can Sometimes Be Unnecessarily Difficult

Dear Mental Health Providers,

Clinic Receptionists, Clinicians 

and Nurses,

The whole reason why I am seeking help, 

therapy and medication is simple: 

I want to feel better.

I have actively just drove 1600 miles from my beautiful home and significant other to seek mental help in my hometown state. I have also, since the temporary move: set up an appointment with my psychiatrist, religiously studied about my specific disorder as well as how to cope with it/medications for the disorder, joined a mental health forum, etc...

I am not the person who wants to be on a handful of pills that make me groggy or high. I'm not happy about the fact that 

I may have to

take a handful of pills for the rest of my life in order to keep my moods in check and also keeping them from ruining my personal health and relationships...

I am consciously seeking, in every way, to get help. Get better.

Your job is to work with and around sick people.

People with illnesses and diseases that they never had a choice in. It's not our fault that sometimes we don't feel right the day after a new pill. It's okay for us to call you in a situation that seems to us: 

an emergency. 

Feel free to ask questions. I'm not against your questioning. I just ask that you respect my feelings. When I read over the medication print outs that you give me (That's right. I read them!) 

I pay special attention when it says,

'Check with your doctor immediately if any of the following side effects occur while taking -INSERT NAME OF MEDICATION HERE-' 

And when I am experiencing one of the following and I have been giving simple directions to follow: I listen.

I apologize for calling you several times in a row;

(you connected me to the wrong nurse twice.)

I apologize that I didn't come across 'clear' and that I was sobbing uncontrollably and that I kept asking you questions that you could not specifically answer;

(my mind was racing and I was so scared.)

When I call you: I'm not perfect, and I know that. 

I'm far from it...

Just don't forget your job.

Thank You.

-Amber Rose

Getting Back on Medication for Bipolar

Ugh.

Today is the day. I am getting back on medication for my bipolar disorder. 

How do I feel?

Anxious. Restless. Nervous. Sick to my stomach. Excited. Scared. Impatient.

UGH.

I remember having these feelings the first time. 2012. After the meds kicked in I felt great, it's amazing what a little Lithium can do... but just like many people do; I felt good enough to make me think, maybe I don't need medication anymore. WRONG. I stopped taking my medication and seemed to do okay for several months until I relapsed and had the worst manic episode since my official diagnosis. My manic episodes were horrible, but they were never that bad. Not as bad as that episode.  With my health, sanity and relationship on the line I moved back to my original hometown, 1600 miles away from my current home, to seek therapy again. 

This time I know I can't stop the meds like I did last time. I know that I need a balanced diet of pills, therapy, strict sleep schedules and support in order to be able to live my life to the fullest from here on. And that's not what scares me...

I'm excited to feel better. Excited to get better.

I'm just...hell. I don't know. I guess it's just one of those days. I'm so amped up with nervous feelings that I feel like I'm going to puke. I guess it's all part of the rollercoaster ride right? 

There is nothing more I want right now than to get back on meds: 

I just feel really alone. Even though I know I'm not.

Sorry. That was me.

Dear Matthew,

A poem that I found on Pinterest. 

I dedicate it to Matthew:

I'm not sure who wrote this or what to credit it to. If you know please let me know.

It's beautiful. :)

Little Miss Kitten

Little Miss Kitten sat on a mitten, knitting some scarves and hats.

Came a kid with a light'er, who set her a'fire...

and now we have hairless cats.

Racing Thoughts

Racing Thoughts

All I know is that my mind, 

it won't stop thinking.

I don't feel like I am breathing, 

but I still feel myself blinking.

I continue on two legs and you dont see me;

 I am shrinking.

I may come across strong,

but believe me I am sinking;

and if it weren't for medication,

I do believe that I'd be drinking.

So cheers too racing thoughts and the poems that it brings;

and cheers again to moving on to bigger, better things.

Bipolar Bears?

Hello.

And welcome to my blog. You will hear me mention 'bipolar bears' quite a bit...so although decently obvious to what it means, I will explain the story here.

One day after being diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder my boyfriend called me his 'bipolar bear.' We had a little giggle fit over it and it never left my brain since. I also found it extremely fitting since the first Christmas after I was diagnosed my parents bought me a fuzzy polar bear hat :: 

I also used to collect teddy bears. 

So. 'Bipolar Bear' really stuck. It was something that was cute but also perfect in describing how I felt in a subtle way. There was a bear in there. Inside of me. A bipolar bear. 

As a child I was very into the poems of Shel Silverstein. I was reading them over again on the computer when I came across one in particular: 

Bear In There

a poem by Shel Silverstein

There's a polar bear
In our Frigidaire—
He likes it 'cause it's cold in there.
With his seat in the meat
And his face in the fish
And his big hairy paws
In the buttery dish,
He's nibbling the noodles,
He's munching the rice,
He's slurping the soda,
He's licking the ice.
And he lets out a roar
If you open the door.
And it gives me a scare
To know he's in there—
That polary bear
In our Fridgitydaire.

I remember this picture. The bear. The fridge. The poem. I remember liking it when I was younger.  And now one thing sticks out to me, the very last paragraph.

'And he lets out a roar
If you open the door.
And it gives me a scare
To know he's in there—
That polary bear
In our Fridgitydaire.'

Yep. 

What is Bipolar Disorder?

'Bipolar Disorder, also known as Manic-Depressive Illness, is a brain disorder that causes unusual shifts in mood, energy, activity-levels and the ability to carry out day-to-day tasks. Symptoms of Bipolar Disorder are severe. They are different from the normal ups and downs that everyone goes through from time to time. Bipolar Disorder symptoms can result in damaged relationships, poor job or school performance, and even suicide. But Bipolar Disorder can be treated , and people with this illness can lead full and productive lives.' - National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH) 

Bipolar Disorder is an Organic Brain Disease AKA Organic Brain Syndrome or Organic Brain Disorder. It is also called Manic-Depressive Illness.

It is categorized as a serious mental illness. 

'Bipolar disorder is characterized by extreme changes in mood, from mania to depression. But because the pattern of highs and lows varies for each person, bipolar disorder is a complex disease to diagnose.' - Web MD

Hello. I am Bipolar. If you meet me on the 'right day' you might really like me. I can be charming and fun to be around. I laugh loud and smile big. I seem to glow with self-security. I  feel great...and it shows. Sometimes it shows so much that people might think I'm conceited. Honestly I could possibly be conceited at that moment, yes.... but I wouldn't describe myself as a conceited person. In fact, sometimes I can't even describe myself as a confident person...nonetheless vain...because in an hour, a couple of days or maybe even a week:

I could be a completely different person.

When I am not on medication I feel:

Irritable. Restless. Bored. Talkative. Anxious. Driven. Ambitious. Risky. Impulsive. Agitated. Violent. Angry. Sad. Empty. Depressed. Anhedonic. Worthless. Lonely. Confused. 

Anti-Social. Fatigued. Energetic. Confident. Insecure. Numb. Distant. Overwhelmed. Nothing...

And trust me.  It's almost impossible for me to tell you when and where I feel these things. Even though at times I feel mostly 'normal', the majority of the time it seems my head is so full of racing thoughts that I cannot even fathom how to straighten my thoughts out and make sense of anything. And there are also many times where my head is SO empty that I can't think of anything no matter how hard I try. The moments where I suddenly don't believe I have any substance in my head at all, anymore. Empty.

I swing back and forth, constantly, on what feels like a pendulum from Hell, and although exciting at times : it will always end up swinging straight into chaos. I will stop eating, start breaking things, become violent. I can start crying uncontrollably, start but never fully-finish a million things, overreact for the smallest things but become much too impulsive and quick to decide about what should usually require deep thought... less you possibly end up in a ditch you dug yourself...

'Bipolar is not fun and nothing to joke about. All highs come with lows.

All Bipolars come with extremes.'

Bipolar is something that us, the people diagnosed, have to accept as part of ourselves. It doesn't define us, no. But it is an illness that will not just leave. We need to at least admit that we are sick before we can seek medicine and help in order to get better. It can take years upon years to find the right medicinal cocktail/lifestyle to help keep us where we are 'most-comfortable' 'fully-functionable' and at our 'utmost.' We need to stay informed on our diagnosis and help our loved ones to be informed.  

Bipolar can be treated with long-term care, but anyone who is sick needs a support system: Strength. Loved Ones. Medicine, and the determination to see a better day.

But don't forget my fellow bipolar bears: 

Our loved ones need us just as much as we need them. 

What is Triggered Happy All About?

trig·ger

/ˈtrigər/

noun

1. 1.

   a small device that releases a spring or catch and so sets off a mechanism.

   
   

verb

1.

cause (an event or situation) to happen or exist.

'Most triggers in my life happen without choice. This time I am pulling the trigger.'

:: In December 2012 I was diagnosed Bipolar. 

I originally had the wrong diagnosis (Borderline Personality Disorder) so when the words, "I'm pretty sure what is going on with you and it could change your life." , came out of my psychiatrists mouth I was excited. The dialectical behavior therapy was helpful but I knew from the beginning that the medication that I was being given was all wrong. 

What is it?

"Amber.. I believe that you have Bipolar Disorder."

How sure are you?

"95% Sure."

At first emotional analysis: 

shocked. intrigued. slightly frightened.

I heard myself say that I didn't want to be bipolar. That I  didn't want that to be what was wrong with me. That I didn't want anything to be wrong with me...even though I knew something was definitely wrong with me. I sat there silent.

'I didn't ask for this.'

I wanted to be happy. Not crazy happy. 

Just genuinely happy.

I very strongly wanted to be normal. Whatever that was...

It was hard for me to accept the mental illness at first. I experienced embarassment, confusion and denial. I even stopped taking my medication. But even with the illness, I have always known that I crave to live life to it's fullest, just like any other...

One thing that has always stayed the same (can you believe that?) since the beginning, is my determination and steel-persistence of doing whatever I have too...even in the darkest of times, in order to live the most fulfilling life that I possibly possibly can. 

And this blog is about just that: Reaching out and pulling a more positive trigger.

Getting help. Sharing stories. Healing. Getting back on medication. Staying on medication. Analyzing my life and making changes for the better. Conquering past barricades and moving forward in my personal relationships. Learning more about myself and informing myself and others. Inspiring others to get help. Stop living in the past, allow myself to stay present and look forward to a more positive future. 

READ. LISTEN. LEARN.

Who's about to write all this scheiße?

Amber Rose ♀ 

24

A rare breed of Bipolar Bear.

Cancerian. Snake.

Suffering from an organic brain disease 

and folliculaphilia.

Self proclaimed artist, writer and female extraordinaire.

Temporarily caught in between the worlds of East and West. Perpetually in love with one and only one.

 

 Professional Homebody. Hopeless Romantic. Wannabe Housewife. 

Ketchup-Spatter Enthusiast. Complex by Nature. Difficult to Articulate. 

          Naturally Susceptible. Deeply Emotive. Unnaturally Medicated.

LIKES :: The Macabre & 'Out-of-Ordinary.' Skeletons. Books & Writing. Theatrics. Sphynx & Oriental Cat Breeds. Flat-Faced Dogs. Ethnic food. 

           Vintage Fashion. Corsetry. Mythology.  Entymology. Astrology...

           Cultural Anthropology.

 

DISLIKES :: The bigoted