Racing Thoughts

Racing Thoughts

All I know is that my mind, 

it won't stop thinking.

I don't feel like I am breathing, 

but I still feel myself blinking.

I continue on two legs and you dont see me;

 I am shrinking.

I may come across strong,

but believe me I am sinking;

and if it weren't for medication,

I do believe that I'd be drinking.

So cheers too racing thoughts and the poems that it brings;

and cheers again to moving on to bigger, better things.

Bipolar Bears?

Hello.

And welcome to my blog. You will hear me mention 'bipolar bears' quite a bit...so although decently obvious to what it means, I will explain the story here.

One day after being diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder my boyfriend called me his 'bipolar bear.' We had a little giggle fit over it and it never left my brain since. I also found it extremely fitting since the first Christmas after I was diagnosed my parents bought me a fuzzy polar bear hat :: 

I also used to collect teddy bears. 

So. 'Bipolar Bear' really stuck. It was something that was cute but also perfect in describing how I felt in a subtle way. There was a bear in there. Inside of me. A bipolar bear. 

As a child I was very into the poems of Shel Silverstein. I was reading them over again on the computer when I came across one in particular: 

Bear In There

a poem by Shel Silverstein

There's a polar bear
In our Frigidaire—
He likes it 'cause it's cold in there.
With his seat in the meat
And his face in the fish
And his big hairy paws
In the buttery dish,
He's nibbling the noodles,
He's munching the rice,
He's slurping the soda,
He's licking the ice.
And he lets out a roar
If you open the door.
And it gives me a scare
To know he's in there—
That polary bear
In our Fridgitydaire.

I remember this picture. The bear. The fridge. The poem. I remember liking it when I was younger.  And now one thing sticks out to me, the very last paragraph.

'And he lets out a roar
If you open the door.
And it gives me a scare
To know he's in there—
That polary bear
In our Fridgitydaire.'

Yep. 

What is Bipolar Disorder?

'Bipolar Disorder, also known as Manic-Depressive Illness, is a brain disorder that causes unusual shifts in mood, energy, activity-levels and the ability to carry out day-to-day tasks. Symptoms of Bipolar Disorder are severe. They are different from the normal ups and downs that everyone goes through from time to time. Bipolar Disorder symptoms can result in damaged relationships, poor job or school performance, and even suicide. But Bipolar Disorder can be treated , and people with this illness can lead full and productive lives.' - National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH) 

Bipolar Disorder is an Organic Brain Disease AKA Organic Brain Syndrome or Organic Brain Disorder. It is also called Manic-Depressive Illness.

It is categorized as a serious mental illness. 

'Bipolar disorder is characterized by extreme changes in mood, from mania to depression. But because the pattern of highs and lows varies for each person, bipolar disorder is a complex disease to diagnose.' - Web MD

Hello. I am Bipolar. If you meet me on the 'right day' you might really like me. I can be charming and fun to be around. I laugh loud and smile big. I seem to glow with self-security. I  feel great...and it shows. Sometimes it shows so much that people might think I'm conceited. Honestly I could possibly be conceited at that moment, yes.... but I wouldn't describe myself as a conceited person. In fact, sometimes I can't even describe myself as a confident person...nonetheless vain...because in an hour, a couple of days or maybe even a week:

I could be a completely different person.

When I am not on medication I feel:

Irritable. Restless. Bored. Talkative. Anxious. Driven. Ambitious. Risky. Impulsive. Agitated. Violent. Angry. Sad. Empty. Depressed. Anhedonic. Worthless. Lonely. Confused. 

Anti-Social. Fatigued. Energetic. Confident. Insecure. Numb. Distant. Overwhelmed. Nothing...

And trust me.  It's almost impossible for me to tell you when and where I feel these things. Even though at times I feel mostly 'normal', the majority of the time it seems my head is so full of racing thoughts that I cannot even fathom how to straighten my thoughts out and make sense of anything. And there are also many times where my head is SO empty that I can't think of anything no matter how hard I try. The moments where I suddenly don't believe I have any substance in my head at all, anymore. Empty.

I swing back and forth, constantly, on what feels like a pendulum from Hell, and although exciting at times : it will always end up swinging straight into chaos. I will stop eating, start breaking things, become violent. I can start crying uncontrollably, start but never fully-finish a million things, overreact for the smallest things but become much too impulsive and quick to decide about what should usually require deep thought... less you possibly end up in a ditch you dug yourself...

'Bipolar is not fun and nothing to joke about. All highs come with lows.

All Bipolars come with extremes.'

Bipolar is something that us, the people diagnosed, have to accept as part of ourselves. It doesn't define us, no. But it is an illness that will not just leave. We need to at least admit that we are sick before we can seek medicine and help in order to get better. It can take years upon years to find the right medicinal cocktail/lifestyle to help keep us where we are 'most-comfortable' 'fully-functionable' and at our 'utmost.' We need to stay informed on our diagnosis and help our loved ones to be informed.  

Bipolar can be treated with long-term care, but anyone who is sick needs a support system: Strength. Loved Ones. Medicine, and the determination to see a better day.

But don't forget my fellow bipolar bears: 

Our loved ones need us just as much as we need them. 

What is Triggered Happy All About?

trig·ger

/ˈtrigər/

noun

1. 1.

   a small device that releases a spring or catch and so sets off a mechanism.

   
   

verb

1.

cause (an event or situation) to happen or exist.

'Most triggers in my life happen without choice. This time I am pulling the trigger.'

:: In December 2012 I was diagnosed Bipolar. 

I originally had the wrong diagnosis (Borderline Personality Disorder) so when the words, "I'm pretty sure what is going on with you and it could change your life." , came out of my psychiatrists mouth I was excited. The dialectical behavior therapy was helpful but I knew from the beginning that the medication that I was being given was all wrong. 

What is it?

"Amber.. I believe that you have Bipolar Disorder."

How sure are you?

"95% Sure."

At first emotional analysis: 

shocked. intrigued. slightly frightened.

I heard myself say that I didn't want to be bipolar. That I  didn't want that to be what was wrong with me. That I didn't want anything to be wrong with me...even though I knew something was definitely wrong with me. I sat there silent.

'I didn't ask for this.'

I wanted to be happy. Not crazy happy. 

Just genuinely happy.

I very strongly wanted to be normal. Whatever that was...

It was hard for me to accept the mental illness at first. I experienced embarassment, confusion and denial. I even stopped taking my medication. But even with the illness, I have always known that I crave to live life to it's fullest, just like any other...

One thing that has always stayed the same (can you believe that?) since the beginning, is my determination and steel-persistence of doing whatever I have too...even in the darkest of times, in order to live the most fulfilling life that I possibly possibly can. 

And this blog is about just that: Reaching out and pulling a more positive trigger.

Getting help. Sharing stories. Healing. Getting back on medication. Staying on medication. Analyzing my life and making changes for the better. Conquering past barricades and moving forward in my personal relationships. Learning more about myself and informing myself and others. Inspiring others to get help. Stop living in the past, allow myself to stay present and look forward to a more positive future. 

READ. LISTEN. LEARN.

Who's about to write all this scheiße?

Amber Rose ♀ 

24

A rare breed of Bipolar Bear.

Cancerian. Snake.

Suffering from an organic brain disease 

and folliculaphilia.

Self proclaimed artist, writer and female extraordinaire.

Temporarily caught in between the worlds of East and West. Perpetually in love with one and only one.

 

 Professional Homebody. Hopeless Romantic. Wannabe Housewife. 

Ketchup-Spatter Enthusiast. Complex by Nature. Difficult to Articulate. 

          Naturally Susceptible. Deeply Emotive. Unnaturally Medicated.

LIKES :: The Macabre & 'Out-of-Ordinary.' Skeletons. Books & Writing. Theatrics. Sphynx & Oriental Cat Breeds. Flat-Faced Dogs. Ethnic food. 

           Vintage Fashion. Corsetry. Mythology.  Entymology. Astrology...

           Cultural Anthropology.

 

DISLIKES :: The bigoted